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Merry Christmas

So there I am sorting out my surprisingly successful fantasy football team for the weekend’s fixtures when I spotted that I’d ended up with this:

Fantasy Christmas Football

I think it’s only right to keep this formation for the next couple of weeks (but I’ll be sure to take it down before 6th January, of course…)

In other news, thank you very much Network Rail, for deciding at the last minute that you’ll be doing engineering work on New Year’s Eve. I am so looking forward to squeezing onto a replacement bus with all the other Christmas-present-laden travellers returning to London. Merry Christmas to you too.

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TheBadlyEditedPaper

Ok, so picking up on typos and grammatical errors in shabby freesheet thelondonpaper is a bit like shooting free fish in a very large barrel, but I thought this one was just a bit too amusing not to pass on:

Prince William and younger brother Prince Harry lapped up a night of racy sextease last night after dropping into a little-known venue in Shepherd’s Bush for a two hour session of risqué burlesque dancing.

They watched scantily-clad acts from Smirnoff’s Medium Rare show, including The Wau Wau Sisters. They swung from trapezes with the words “F***” and “Yeah” written across their knickers and sensually rubbed each other.

Well, that’s certainly a different side to William and Harry. But what colour knickers were the Princes wearing? I think we should be told…

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Celebs on the South Bank Pt 2

And this lunchtime I went out to Borough Market to see a celebrity buy some fish. It was art, apparently.

The celebrity in question was Jude Law, and he was there to re-enact this as part of an art piece called The World As A Stage.

The World As A Stage: Jude Law Buys Some Fish

I have to say that the re-enactment didn’t look quite like the video (I’m not sure that Borough Market ever looks quite as peaceful as that, and definitely not on a Friday…), but it was interesting to watch nevertheless. When I got there it was just loads of people standing around in one spot by the fishmongers and the fruit and veg place where I do my shopping. Every now and again a car or a van would try to get down the road, and the crowd would reluctantly part to let it through, before scurrying back to absorb the space.

As an examination of our obsession with celebrity, it was quite interesting to watch (although I don’t believe that that was the intended point of the art). I took up a spot at the back by the fish shop, where I overheard a TV cameraman discussing with his reporter where to go to get the best shot “We know he’s going to go in the shop and buy some fish, so why don’t we stay here?” they said to each other.

You could tell that Jude Law had eventually turned up not because you could see him, but because you could see the crowd swarm around him and follow him towards the shop, camera phones, digital cameras and SLRs held aloft to capture blurry photos of a bloke off-of some films.

As I was standing quite close to the fish shop, and as I happen to be continuing my pointless internet-based photo a day project, I took some of my own blurry photos of a bloke off-of some films in the process of buying some fish from a fish shop.

And then I heard someone behind me say something like “where did all these tall blokes come from?” so I stepped out of the way to let them through, showing them what a blurry photo of a man buying some fish looks like as I did so, and headed back to the office.

Jude Law. Buys some fish.
Surrounded by cameras.
Yeah. So is this art?

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Celebs on the South Bank Pt 1

So yesterday I was walking back from Borough Market at lunchtime with my Flour Power brownie and sandwich in hand, when I spotted some people collecting money for charity with slightly amateur looking handwritten signs saying something about Anne Widdecombe having been arrested.

And now I find out (via londonist) that this was all a charity stunt in which they were collecting money to get her out.

Bugger. Do you think I can get my quid back?

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“Don’t Listen To Him, He’s Had Two Duvels” [*]

So the other Friday, I made my best stab at slipping out of the office at half four, as subtly as you can when you’re laden down with bags and wearing a big winter coat, and made my way north on a surprisingly quiet Northern line. Sal and I were off to Bruges for the weekend, you see, and I wanted to get up to the new St Pancras station (named, of course for the patron saint of the digestive system) in time to take some photos.

16th November 2007: Sir John Betjeman, St Pancras International

There’s a slight air of the unfinished about the place (or at least there was two weeks ago), with lots of metal shutters and boards all over the place covering up the places where the concessions will soon be, but it’s an impressive, imposing station nonetheless… In need of supplies for the journey, however, the lack of facilities at St Pancras forced us to walk over the road to its shabbier, smaller neighbour. King’s Cross might not have the Gothic architecture, a lengthy champagne bar, or a giant statue of some lovers snogging, but it does have Cornish pasties.

The Eurostar refurb apparently doesn’t extend to the rolling stock, by the way, which has the same slightly worn interior as it has for years, but we pulled out of the station on time, and, as Sal dozed beside me, I drank my first Duvel of the weekend, read my book and listened to Radiohead serenading me through the countryside at 186mph…

Part way through the journey, I spotted that a lady a few rows in front of us was wearing a Eurostar/Greenpeace T-Shirt bearing the slogan “I took 2 hrs 14 m to save the climate. London St Pancras – Paris, 14/11/2007”. Well that’s a relief if we don’t have to worry about that little problem anymore. If we’d only known that it was going to be that easy, then maybe we could have tried it sooner. (And perhaps then we’d have been spared Live Earth…)

**

Bruges

Bruges itself was lovely, of course. (Cold, but lovely).

There was chocolate. There was beer. There were chips…

Sadly as Bruges is in the Flemish part of the country, I had to be typically rubbish about the whole language thing, and just speak to everyone in English, although I did get one or two chances to use a bit of my French–at one point a woman stopped us on the street and actually asked “où est la gare?” It doesn’t get more textbook than that, but sadly the answer wasn’t “go straight ahead and take the third street on the right”, it was more like “er, I dunno; it’s really far away” accompanied by lots of pointing to my map, and ended with me suggesting that she should “Suivre le canal”. I’m not sure how helpful that was.

The other opportunity was when we went on the tour around De Halve Maan, the last remaining brewery in Bruges, where I got to laugh at the tour guide’s jokes once in English and then again when she repeated them in French. Yes, I know, I am sad.

Oh, and one other bizarre incident: as we wandered the streets of the town looking for just the right chocolate shop, we passed a middle-aged American couple looking in the window of a deli.

“Look at these sandwiches”, squawked the lady to her husband. “Look what’s in these sandwiches. Oh look at what’s in these sandwiches!”

I’ve no idea what part of the states they were from, but it must be a very sheltered part. When we walked back past the same shop a little while later I had a look at these sandwiches I’d heard so much about. I can confirm that they were just normal sandwiches. With, like, meat and cheese in them.

—-
[*] Barman to Sal as we left the bar on our first evening in town…

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What’s The Scam?

I seem to get more and more misdirected emails these days. I’m not talking about proper spam, but rather what seem to be real emails that were intended for a different Matt: for example, there’s the Central Indiana Christian Songwriters’ Association who email me every now and again inviting me down to open mic nights at their church. Sadly, I’m unlikely to make it down there given that (a) it’s in Indianapolis, and (b) I don’t think they’d appreciate an unbeliever in their midst.

And from time to time I get apparently genuine emails from other people with the same surname as me–most recently a certain Lucas Armstrong from New York set me an mp3 of a track called TSMM by “Perpetual Groove”, which (Wikipedia informs me) is an American “Jam Band” (whatever that means). Apparently “the music has [my] name written all over it.”

One of my colleagues has the same problem: he deals with this by sending them joke replies (and then blogging about it), but I can’t quite bring myself to do so, and usually just hit delete…

But anyway, today I got this email:

Hi,I am the seller of the eBay item :150180086509,and I’ve just been contacted by the eBay staff who informed me that the winner of this item got rejected due to security reasons (either failed to follow through on the purchase commitment or outright refused to do so). Your last auctioned bid prior to being outbided is taken into consideration as eBay policy automatically proclaims you to be the winner by default.Nevertheless,I need your agreement on this so I may contact eBay to confirm your winning position otherwise I’ll relist the item. If you’re interested please confirm by forwarding this message to e-mail and include your name,address and ebay ID. Thanks!

Now I have never used ebay, and my instinct tells me that this is some kind of scam. But what’s the scam?

Suspicious things:

– Why don’t you tell me what the item is or provide a link to it? Searching ebay suggests that the item in question is this one. I’m not sure buying a mountain bike from a chap in Victoria is entirely practical, given that the cost of shipping it half way around the world might be somewhat prohibitive…

– Why do you need my ebay ID? If you have my email, and you know I was the second highest bid, then surely you already know this?

– The grammar isn’t quite as odd as it usually is in 419 scam emails, but I’m still not sure if a native English speaker would say “please confirm by forwarding this message to e-mail”: what does that even mean?

Anyway, I’m curious, but not quite curious enough to want to bother replying (although, oddly, I am still curious enough to go to more effort and blog about it…) so I’m asking the internets: what exactly is the scam here? Anyone?

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“The End of Homeopathy”

My output on these pages might have dwindled recently to little more than the occasional photograph or screenshot and the most minimal of commentary, but I don’t normally stoop to the level of just linking to stuff that other people have written.

I’m making an exception today, though, because I want to link to Ben Goldacre’s absolutely spot on article about Homeopathy from today’s Guardian.

Partly because, well, everyone should read it, but also because I have a feeling it might come in handy again in the future and I want to bookmark it.

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Basic Maths

So there’s this London radio station, right. And they happen to be running a competition at the moment in which they are asking their listeners to do their marketing for them (well, they already ask their listeners to pick the records, so this isn’t such a great leap–presumably they will soon be outsourcing all remaining jobs at the station to their listeners: I look forward to Alex Zane running a competition with the chance to win the opportunity to come in to the studios late at night and clean the toilets for minimum wage).

Anyway, they’re offering a prize of £10,000 (the “marketing budget”) to whoever does the best bit of promotional activity for the breakfast show, and most of the efforts so far have been, frankly, rubbish. But I’m highly confused about this one. For the benefit of any non Facebook users, the idea appears to be that they will get as many people as possible to join this Facebook group and then they will use the £10,000 to fund a bar tab at a huge party:

“The £10,000 that we win (and I’m sure we will) will be used for a mega awesome super party that is free for everyone that is a member.

All the money goes on boooze, imagine that a £10,000 bar tab, in a quality establishment.

The more people the bigger it can be.”

Um. Apparently no one in the group has even the most basic grasp of mathematics. Surely the more people the smaller it will be? They’ve currently got 3,022 members, so if they all turn up at this party that’s going to be a whopping £3.30 each. That’s not going to go very far at London bar prices, is it.

When one of the organisers of this Facebook group was interviewed on the radio show the other week, he suggested that they would hire a venue like Koko. Presumably the group organisers are planning to pay for that out of their own pockets (given that they’ve committed to spending “all the money on booze”), but I’m confused about that too. You see, Koko’s capacity is only 1,500, so half of the group’s members aren’t even going to get in, even though they promised that the party will be “free for everyone that is a member”. And anyway, those lucky 1,500 members will have the whopping sum of £6.66 each towards their drinks.

Don’t spend that all at once, kids…

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File Under “Dumb Britain”

We had salmon for dinner last night. I was both relieved and amused to read the allergy advice

Allergy Advice: Contains Fish

Always read the label, kids.

[Busy. Can’t Stop. Proper blog with words and paragraphs and everything coming soon, promise…]

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Trick Question?

I was just doing one of those YouGov surveys that they send to me from time to time.

Um. I’m not quite sure how to answer that last question, though… Anyone?

YouGov survey, 2 Nov 07: Do you thing Sir Menzies Campbell is doing a good job in his role as leader of the Liberal Democrats

(I don’t know if I “thing” anything about Ming, really, but I do thing that Tony Blairs and Iain Duncan Smith are doing sterling work for their respective parties…)